Hedge Funds Explode; Former Fed Chairman Hired By Aliens For Infinite Salary

As credit crunches and mortgages melt, former U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has been hired as Galactic Reserve Chairman of an un-named Local Group Galaxy, according to alien sources.The compensation package for the former Fed Chief is rumored to be unquantifiable.“It is a rich package,” admitted an alien spokes-entity. “However, we were so impressed with Greenspan’s ability to preside over a multitude of growing financial WMD’s on your planet Earth, and then walk away a hero before any of them went off.  We put our best offer up front, since we felt a bidding war from other galaxies was on the radar.” Greenspan faced heavy competition to earn the top Galactic finance job. “It came down to a choice between the human, and a fuzzy ball of pus-riddled slime from Andromeda. Both had excellent records, but when we asked the Slime to furrow its brow thoughtfully, it exploded in a gelatinous hail, which disqualified it completely.”Greenspan will not have a salary in his new post, but will be given his own Galactic Reserve printing press, enabling him to monetize private as well as public debt. He will also get a special bonus if the price of gold goes parabolic, as well as a unique escalator clause based on the number of alien media photos of galaxy citizens tearing up reserve notes in anger, or using them to blow one or both of their noses.The incentive bonuses may allow Greenspan to earn up to fifteen additional printing presses. (incentives that must have current Chairman Ben Bernanke green with envy– or is that Treasury ink?)  Also included in the Greenspan compensation agreement is another item that any currency defender would find useful– a custom forged rare metal superhero cape, with the letters “A.G.” in flaming plasma.  

The alien offer short-circuited a potential Chinese bid for Greenspan’s services.  It’s thought that China hasn’t been able to determine an endgame for all the U.S. Treasuries it holds, and considered simply giving them to Greenspan as a joke.  However, now that he has accepted the alien offer, many will consider this a proud moment for the United States, if not all humankind: “Greenspan is the first human we’ve ever hired,” said the alien source, “though we have been harvesting humans as space ship reactor fuel for thousands of years.”


The alien spokes-entity was more “reserved” in comments about our current Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke.  “We think that it’s unlikely he’ll climb out of the box he’s in.  If he does, however, Bernanke would go straight to the “A” list, with a cluster wide bidding war that could command him a salary even higher than Greenspan’s.”


Those in the financial industries may find it intriguing that system requirements outside our galaxy relate so well to our own environment.  According to the aliens:  “The competition to devalue currencies at the galactic level is intense.  Galaxies have been known to buy the currency of a rival and burn the notes, or break into their reserve bank vaults and leave behind silver and gold, just to get an inflationary leg up.  As we perfect our strategy of long-term pain for short-term gain, it’s vital that we leave our average citizens holding the bag, but sufficiently confused so that they won’t know who to blame.  We believe Greenspan is up to the task.”


Greenspan will still need to go through a confirmation process, but he’s widely considered a lock (except on our earthly dollar’s safety and wellbeing).  The prospective Galactic Chairman has already been fawned over by alien congresspersons of all stripes, as they sported fake wise, grave demeanors quite reminiscent of the shallow deportment of our Earth congresspersons.  


At the press scrum as the former and future Chairman was boarding the spacecraft taking him to his new responsibilities, he was pelted with questions (and a couple of rocks).  Greenspan, wearing a “Happiness Is Negative Real Interest Rates” T-shirt, declined to comment, and then spoke for three hours on a variety of subjects.


One of the more interesting of Greenspan’s topics– he favors a North American Union. 


“A few years ago I would have been concerned about destabilizing effects for the United States economy,” Greenspan intoned in that somnolent sing-song we’ve already started to miss.  “However, since my tenure as Federal Reserve Chairman the business cycle has become so elliptical, that I believe we should just start lobbing policy meteors to see what happens.”

By Les Lafave Abolish The Federal Reserve – themaestrosrep.org

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